My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
You Might Also Like
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.