Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Mood.. 😂
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I get distracted pretty eas
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.