Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Yup.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Jokes on them. I took 10.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.