Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”