Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Need WebMD
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.