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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Finished stitching this today 😇
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.