If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
2022: I can fix it
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.