Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
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Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
groan^2
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Who chose this font
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Yes, but it was never about money
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.