[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?