being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
OMG 🤣🤣
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.