I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
You Might Also Like
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
😜
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
bears
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Simple
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job