The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.