Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Hmmmmm
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.