*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
🙋♀️
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Y’all ready for this