Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team