In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
best first i’ve ever seen
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…