[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Ah yes. The three genders
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE