“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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I don’t know what to do
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.