I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
rise and shine we got egg
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
So creative 😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.