Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer