My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂