My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
You Might Also Like
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me too 😆
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.