*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
How funny!
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.