my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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Me: Same.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
c’mon!
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating