Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me too 😆
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
stand with me against insufficient seating
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate