Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel