my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?