I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”