If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*