Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.