He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 馃槀 instead of 馃敟 on a sexy dm room pic.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor鈥檚 cat
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 馃槶馃張馃摵
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
(during sex)
Don鈥檛 move! Don鈥檛 move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 馃槓
ME (from beyond): 馃榿
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
This ATM has just charged me 拢2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.