There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
When the stylist spins you back around
I’m not proud
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
me doing my best
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable