Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
This came to me in a dream.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.