Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
spot the difference
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I am having an out of money experience.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.