Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
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not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me