My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
bought wrong eggs
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.