ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Sorry not sorry.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Pigeon open mic night.