James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
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So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Your honor these allegations are
A small tragedy.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.