Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Easy enough.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?