date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
He took my last fry, your honor
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls