There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
A roof is a house hat.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s