ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The best plant holders?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
More like Kate Missington.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!