“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
You have been warned.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.