A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
put ‘er there pardner!
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.