Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You Might Also Like
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
What
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.