They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
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has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.