I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.