Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”