inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Breaking news:
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda