The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*